“You will never reach your destination if you stop and throw stones at every dog that barks.” – Winston Churchill
Some stories begin with an ending. In this case, following an especially long night during which he had barricaded himself in his assigned room, one of my subordinate leaders was being medically evacuated. He was suffering a mental health crisis, one that had been brewing for much of the past few months. Looking back, the signs had been there all along.
He had always seemed to be a bit volatile, quick to anger and ready to go to battle over anything and everything. Any perceived slight would have him seething in rage. Someone would offer critical feedback he didn’t want to hear, and he would stew in a furious silence. Something didn’t go the way he’d planned, and he would launch into an hours-long rant. He would misplace his coffee mug and go full-on Captain Queeg only to find it later in the place where he’d left it. He usually settled back down, though, and his mood balanced. Until it didn’t.
One night during the evening meal in the dining facility, he accused a junior solider of cutting ahead of him in the serving line. When the soldier denied doing so, he threw his tray aside and challenged the young man to a fight. Right there in the dining facility. Over a space in the cheeseburger line. And he wasn’t joking. From there, things seemed to escalate, and the incidents increased exponentially. The guy who always wanted to fight every battle that came his way was rapidly slipping into an abyss.
And then he was gone. We never saw or heard from him again.
THe Battleground of Workplace Conflict
Conflict is inevitable in the workplace. Office “knife fights” are the stuff of urban legend in most organizations. Whether it’s an over-controlling boss, a micromanaging supervisor, a problematic colleague, or a difficult subordinate, conflict sometimes seems unavoidable. Endless information requests that serve no purpose, leadership that seem to launch a new strategic change initiative every six months, and people who couldn’t get themselves organized if their lives depended on it are a constant in every organization.
It would be easy to fall into the trap of fighting every battle, but there are limits to both the time you have available to wage those wars and the energy – emotional, mental, and physical – necessary to keep up the good fight. Knowing your limits is important. Knowing how to choose your battles – whether to fight, delay, or walk away from them – is essential to your success… and your sanity.
And that’s the key. Do you care enough about your mental well-being to walk away from a fight?
Making the Hard Call
Choosing your battles is often easier said than done. Pride, ego, and self-respect may stand between you and your better discretion. Your sense of right and wrong may push you to take a stand against your better judgment. Or sometimes you might feel compelled to fight the good fight because it needs to be fought. But winning every battle isn’t going to make you happy and losing a lot of meaningless battles won’t do much for you, either.
It’s about choices. And it’s about knowing when to make those choices. Here are five questions to stop and ask before you engage.
1. Is it your battle?
There are times when we want to take a stand for someone else, which is admirable. But it can be easy to cross the line between taking a stand and fighting someone else’s fight, which can lead to feelings of anger and resentment. Fight someone else’s battles and you might make things worse for everyone.
2. Will winning make a difference?
Before taking on a fight, ask yourself what difference it’s going to make. Will anything change? Will a loss make a difference? Will a win gain anything? If you’re taking on a fight just for the sake of doing so, take a step back and reevaluate your position. The win might cost more than you can afford, and the loss might leave you vulnerable in ways you cannot imagine.
3. Is it winnable?
There are some fights that just aren’t winnable, even when you feel compelled to take them on. Maybe you’re taking on your boss, or someone with more power and influence than you. Or maybe you’re picking a fight with the institution without realizing that the institution doesn’t usually lose. If you’re going to do battle, you want a “win-win” outcome, not a “win-lose” or “lose-lose.”
4. What’s the cost of losing?
When the temptation to take on a fight seems too great to resist, ask yourself if you can afford to lose. If you can’t, then walk away. Fast. The only thing worse than winning a fight that comes at a steep cost is losing one that comes at an even steeper cost.
5. Can you walk away from it?
Park your ego. Set your pride aside. Can you walk away from a fight and maintain your self-respect? This is often the hardest question to answer because walking away from a battle is sometimes the toughest of all decisions to make. If the battle absolutely needs to be fought, then stand up and fight it. But if it doesn’t, then walk away.
Survive to fight another day.
