“I’m not concerned with your liking me or disliking me… All I ask is that you respect me as a human being.” – Jackie Robinson
A few years into my second career as a university professor, I volunteered to teach the early morning business strategy classes that no one else wanted to take. My reasoning was simple: I’m already awake, I’ve already worked out, and I’m already caffeinated. That whole “We do more before 9:00 a.m. than most people do all day!” trope still holds true long after taking off the uniform for the last time. So, a couple of days a week, I pull out of the driveway a little earlier than usual and am ready to roll when the clock strikes 8:00 a.m.
I know what you’re thinking. That’s not THAT early. It’s not. But if you’re a college senior, 8:00 a.m. is a lot like Reveille. It’s a wake-up call. If you weren’t awake before, you’ll definitely be awake after.
But, unlike the military, when you can count on a brisk morning session of physical training to get the blood pumping, I didn’t have that option, so I improvised. One of the best ways to connect with people is by breaking bread, a time-tested leadership tactic for building cohesive teams. A couple of times a month, I’d stop by one of the local bakeries and load up on pastries, cookies, cupcakes, and even breakfast churros. We’d eat, we’d talk, we’d learn.
Then one morning a student commented, “You don’t have to bring us food to like you. We already do.”
At first, I was taken aback. This was never about culling favor with students. It was about creating a productive learning environment at a time of day when most people would rather be doing something else. It was about forging bonds. And let’s be totally honest: it was a great excuse to have a maple-bacon long john without my spouse calling me out. Ultimately, it was about leadership, not likership. As a leader, people will either like you or they won’t. You can’t worry about that or allow it to interfere with how you lead.
THE THIN GRAY LINE
I don’t think anyone purposely goes out of their way not to be liked. In fact, there are a number of benefits to being liked. In his book, The Likability Factor, author Tim Sanders notes that being liked increases your chances of being promoted, helps to drive special projects and initiatives your way, and builds a sense of trust and loyalty among your subordinates. There’s a direct link between likability and the social capital you need to get things done in the workplace.
But there’s a thin gray line between likability and respect. It’s great to be liked, but it cannot come at the expense of being respected. And respect is a two-way street: leaders who demonstrate respect in interactions with others tend to earn that respect in return.
In a 2019 Forbes article, Kathy Caprino underscored the wide-reaching impact of respect, noting that the best leaders leverage respect to elicit commitment and engagement from their teams, reduce the tension and conflict in the work culture, and becomes someone who does the right the right way while helping others to do the same. Great leaders don’t worry about being liked; respect is the coin of the realm.
EARNing Respect
From the first time we’re chosen to lead, we begin to see the impact of respect, or the lack thereof. Leadership is never easy, but the weight is far easier to bear when people trust you. But as we’ve all been told, trust isn’t given, it’s earned. And as a leader, you have to earn that trust. Every new day brings new challenges, and that trust can be lost as quickly as it was earned.
There’s a simple recipe for earning trust, one that includes just a handful of key ingredients. Follow the recipe and trust will follow. Leave out even one ingredient and trust becomes as hard to find as a left-handed end wrench in a general mechanic’s tool kit.
1. Lead by example.
Lead by example is a term that conveys some fundamental concepts that frame my leadership philosophy. It’s about much more than pushing everyone else to the front of the chow line. It’s about selflessness and sacrifice. In everything you do, put your subordinates first. Care for them as you would your own family. Take the risks for them so they don’t have to. Be the leader they choose to follow.
2. Be firm, but fair.
Leaders focused on being liked often fall short with discipline. As a leader, you must set clear expectations and hold everyone to the same standard. When someone fails to meet either, there must be consequences. It’s not personal. It’s called leadership. Your whole team is watching. Don’t let them down.
3. Exhibit confidence.
When in charge, take charge. Don’t kick the dirt and mumble. When you’re the one trusted to lead, lead. Show confidence in your ability to lead. George Patton said it best: “Lead me, follow me, or get the hell out of my way.” That’s about as basic as it gets.
4. Actively listen.
In the words of Simon Sinek, “There is a difference between listening and waiting for your turn to speak.” Great leaders down confuse the two. Listen with all your senses: hear the words, but pay close attention to tenor and tone, to eye movements, to body language. Language is like an iceberg, and we often only see what’s above the surface. Active listening means going beneath the surface.
5. Own your mistakes.
Great leaders admit their failings and underwrite the mistakes of others. They don’t point fingers, they don’t blame others, and they never, ever punch down. A big part of earning the respect of others is leveraging honest mistakes as learning opportunities, which builds trust and confidence.
6. Stay humble.
Humility is a deeply underrated leadership trait. It allows us to be strong and confident without being overbearing. It makes us approachable. It reflects a willingness to accept risk and allow mistakes. Humility is what makes us human.
7. Show appreciation.
While we may be the architects of our success, we achieve that success through the contributions of countless others. So, when the opportunity presents itself, express some gratitude. Letting others know that you appreciate them only takes a moment, and the goodwill you build endures.
