“All right. They’re on our left, they’re on our right, they’re in front of us, they’re behind us … They can’t get away this time.” – Lt. Gen. Lewis B. “Chesty” Puller
To most aficionados of military one-liners, there are few better films than Stanley Kubrick’s Full Metal Jacket. Kubrick adapted the film from Gustav Hasford’s 1979 semi-autobiographical novel, The Short-Timers. In the novel, Hasford – a military journalist who wrote for Leatherneck Magazine, Stars and Stripes, and Sea Tiger – follows the enlistment, training, and deployment of James T. “Joker” Davis, a Marine combat correspondent, at the height of the Vietnam War.
But what makes the film truly memorable is the endless banter provided by Gunnery Sergeant Hartman during Joker’s basic training at Parris Island. Though not Kubrick’s first choice to play the irascible and sadistic drill instructor, former Marine R. Lee Ermey – who was initially hired as a technical advisor – proved his mettle and won over the director. By the time filming was complete, much of Hartman’s dialog was the improvisational work of Ermey. And that dialog – profane, insulting, and thoroughly genuine – became the stuff of legend.
A language OF our own
When Full Metal Jacket debuted on screen in 1987, Gunnery Sergeant Hartman brought both shock and awe to audiences. But to movie-goers with a military background, he was a familiar face. Anyone who’d spent a few weeks of their life being buffeted by the banter of your average drill instructor could immediately connect with the character. From the moment he first spoke, we were hooked.
“I am Gunnery Sergeant Hartman, your senior drill instructor. From now on you will speak only when spoken to, and the first and last words out of your filthy sewers will be ‘Sir.’ Do you maggots understand that?”
“You are the lowest form of life on Earth. You are not even human f*cking beings. You are nothing but unorganized grab-asstic pieces of amphibian sh#t!”
“Did your parents have any children that lived?”
“You’re so ugly you could be a modern art masterpiece! What’s your name, fat body?”
“Don’t make any f*cking effort to get to the top of the f*cking obstacle. If God would have wanted you up there he would have miracled your ass up there by now, wouldn’t he?”
The military has a language all its own. There’s no denying it. We share a language and dialect that is truly unique, replete with terms and phrases that no one outside the rank-and-file use on a regular basis, and our dialect punctuated with profanity and insults that roll off the tongue as naturally as some people say “please” and “thank you.”
WHERE THE RUBBER MEETS THE ROAD
Every conflict seems to spur new entries in the unofficial military dictionary, and every generation contributes in their own special way. Sometimes, our civilian counterparts find an idiom that they co-opt for their own use. Some work well in the right context, such as “balls to the wall” or “bite the bullet.” But I have a hard time not rolling my eyes when I hear a politician talk about getting “in the trenches” on an issue, or a civilian colleague telling me that we’re in “no man’s land” with some project or initiative.
But then there’s the parts of our language that just don’t translate well outside the military. I learned early on after throwing my boots over the wire that a phrase as benign as “the long pole in the tent” was completely foreign to someone without a military background. Terms and phrases that range from “big voice” and “blue falcon” to “pop smoke” and “pull chocks” draw confused looks when you use them out of their normal context.
Memorable phrases Heard in Uniform
We all have our own set of go-to idioms. I tend to lean into Top Gun for my favorites, but rarely does a day pass when I’m not tempted to quote Gunnery Sergeant Hartman in the right situation. All of which led me to a little thought experiment, and my petri dish was the La Brea Tar Pits of modern life, social media. I asked one simple question: “What’s the most memorable phrase you ever heard in uniform?” It seemed like an innocuous enough question, but nearly 250,000 views and more than 500 responses later, some were simply too good not to share.
When you do something monumentally stupid:
“I’m going to drop-kick you through the goal posts of life.”
When you say something that you truly regret:
“One of these days your alligator mouth is going to get your hummingbird ass in trouble.”
When you see someone who constantly does things that defy common sense:
“I don’t know what’s wrong with that kid but I’m sure it’s hard to pronounce and is in some psychiatric handbook.”
When you have a no fail task with a no way deadline:
“I don’t care what unnatural acts you have to do with small farm animals, get it done.”
When someone complains one time too many:
“You’ll find sympathy in the dictionary right between sh#t and syphilis.”
When you can see it, but you can’t believe it:
“If the Russians could see this sh#t they’d invade tomorrow.”
When someone has missed one too many trips to the base gym:
“I’m going to need you to turn around and face away from me. I don’t know if those buttons will hold, and I can’t risk getting hit in the eye.” closely followed by “Round is not a shape that we accept in the Marine Corps. You look like a seabag with lips.”
When the quality of recruits coming out of basic training gets increasingly worse:
“No one is totally useless. I’ve got a formation of perfectly good land mine finders, bullet catchers, and chock blocks.”
When someone’s briefing is just that bad:
“This PowerPoint looks like you still get coloring books for Christmas.”
When performance counseling just isn’t getting through:
“Remove your head from rectal defilade.” or “I’m trying to get you promoted and you’re fighting me every step of the way.”
When performance counseling is only making matters worse:
“I’m going to reach down your throat and remove your heart and lung assembly.” or “You have a real future as a pop-up target at the National Training Center.”
When halitosis is the word of the day:
“Your breath smells like you got a little man tap-dancing on your tongue with sh#t on his shoes.”
When someone fails to appreciate the inherent danger in training with live explosives:
“Nope, no boom, you’re just dead. We pour what’s left of you in a mason jar and label it with ‘STUPID’ before sending it to your mom.”
When someone insists on screwing around when there’s work to be done:
“You want to play games? Let’s go! I got more games than Milton Bradley!”
When you really don’t want to ask questions:
“The less you know, the less you can be required to testify to.”
We really do have a language all our own.
