Emerging from a marathon session of back-to-back-to-back meetings in the command conference room, I pulled my Blackberry out of my shoulder cargo pocket and scanned my email inbox. It was a mix of the usual traffic: updates from my current operations chief, a couple of taskers from our higher headquarters, and the standard electronic detritus that litters most inboxes. But there were also a handful of emails from a subordinate asking – no, demanding – that I drop everything I was doing to review a set of routine briefing slides that weren’t due for several days.
“Not sure if you got my last email. I know you’re busy, but I need you to review these and get back to me ASAP. I’m cc-ing the Chief so he’s read in. I look forward to hearing from you.” I was signed, “Respectfully,” leaving off the customary “very” so ubiquitous in military email signatures.
He knew where I was. He knew that I didn’t have time to review the slide deck, which was about as low on the priority list as it could get without falling off altogether. But this particular subordinate, who had a bad habit of “bowing up” on the wrong people, had crossed into no man’s land. The chief of staff was as busy as I was and would not respond well to a passive-aggressive email from someone he already viewed as marginally competent. He would, as the saying goes, “break him like a bad habit.”
WHY CAN’T WE ALL JUST GET ALONG?
Passive-aggressive email has become commonplace in workplace communications. People who might normally be friendly and cooperative transform behind a keyboard, where whatever perceived transgressions are vented through the murky language of email, where the written word lacks context, tone, and inflection. And when the writer already struggles with communicating clearly, it’s natural to misread (or not) the intent behind the garbled transmission.
In a 2023 Preply survey of email experiences, 83% of the respondents reported receiving “covertly hostile” messages in profession exchanges; of those, 76% were communicated through email and the remaining 24% via workplace messaging apps. A significant number (65%) noted that coworkers who were friendly in person turned unusually passive-aggressive over email, and 42% reported that the worst offenders were often people in leadership roles. And nearly half (47%) had coworkers escalate minor issues by cc-ing leadership in email traffic.
According to the data, Gen X is the worst offender at 37%, followed closely by Millennials at 33%. Boomers, who tend to get a bad rap for their behavior, only generate 22% of passive-aggressive workplace email. But to be fair, you’re not going to produce a lot of email when you’re still dialing in through AOL on a 1200-baud modem.
PER MY LAST EMAIL
The one phrase that stands out more than others is “per my last email,” the classic impatient – and passive-aggressive – response to questions that could have been answered with a thorough read on the initial email. Which, in all honestly, was probably a Tolstoy-length diatribe that defied any desire to read it in its entirety. When I receive a response that begins with “per my last email,” my response is sarcastically apologetic: “I’m so sorry, I slipped into a coma after the first 10,000 words and clearly missed that part.”
The full list would likely trigger most people, since the phrases tend to draw out the negative emotions such language elicits. “Awaiting your reply” always lands an email at the bottom of the inbox. “Please advise” all but guarantees you won’t get a response from me. And “as discussed” comes across as a question of my cognitive abilities. But the worst ones? They reach a depth of passive-aggressive evil worth special mention.
1. Per my last email.
This is shorthand for, “Go back and re-read the whole email and stop asking stupid questions.” This is also a go-to phrase for people who don’t write clearly. “It’s not me, it’s you.”
2. Hope this helps.
This is a very specific email phrase that conveys two messages: “This is all you’re going to get from me” and “leave me the f@#$ alone.” Don’t mistake it for anything else.
3. Thanks in advance.
Okay, I’ll confess that I use this one, usually with people who either can’t manage their email or don’t respond to simple requests. It’s a polite way of saying, “I’m thanking you now, so you feel compelled to do whatever it is I’m asking.”
4. Moving forward.
Again, this is a phrase that I use from time to time. I’m drawing a line in the email sand. Translation: “We’re moving on. Stop wasting my time and let it go already.”
5. Just circling back.
This is the opening statement you write on any email to someone who doesn’t reply to a message in a timely manner. What it means: “I’m going to nag you until you respond.” Or, in words of Captain America, “I can do this all day.”
6. Not sure this was meant for me.
When you find yourself in the midst of someone’s reply all rant, this is the most polite way of saying, “Take me off your trash email thread.” It also comes in handy when someone writes something offensive in an email, to which you can add the entire organization when replying “Not sure this was meant for me.”
7. I’m cc-ing… .
You don’t want to be on the receiving end of this one. “You’re stupid. Any five-year-old could understand this.” And they’re making sure that there are witnesses to your perceived stupidity.
8. Just to reiterate.
Email phraseology doesn’t get much more direct than this. “Read the entire email. Not just the subject line.” The sender might even highlight and bold key parts for you. Don’t make yourself look stupid asking questions that are spelled out in the email.
9. Correct me if I’m wrong.
In the context of passive-aggressive email, this is considered gaslighting. Not only does the sender know they’re not wrong, they’re throwing it back on you. You’re the problem. Fix yourself.
10. Warm or Kind Regards.
Context matters here. In a normal email, this is a polite closing. One your grandma would use, in fact. However, when used in conjunction with any of the phrases listed earlier, this conveys the same meaning as your middle finger. They’re pissed off. Maybe not just at you, but the whole world. Cross these people with due caution.
Happy Friday!
I’ll end this list where I started: “Happy Friday!” When I see an email that starts with that phrase, I immediately know two things. One, the person who sent the email is gone for the weekend. It’s like playing Hot Potato with a live grenade, except once the grenade is in your inbox you have no one else to toss it to. Two, when the grenade explodes, I’m going to be left responsible for something that’s due on Monday. There are few email phrases that bring out my inner John Wick quite like that one does.
