If you’ve never heard of James Boren, don’t feel alone. Boren is a largely forgotten humorist and political satirist, but if you’ve spent any time working in government at any level, you’ve experienced his inspiration firsthand – the career bureaucrat.
The bane of his existence for much of his early career, bureaucrats are the gears that drive the machinery of government. Properly maintained and utilized, they keep the bureaucracy moving. Left alone and ignored, they gum up the works and bring the machine to a dead stop. Boren – who served the Federal government during the Eisenhower, Kennedy, Johnson, and Nixon administrations – knew a thing or two about those bureaucrats and had experienced their impact, both positive and negative.
When in doubt, mumble
That experience ultimately drove him to leave government service in despair in 1968, when he formed the International Association of Professional Bureaucrats (INATAPROBU). Committed to reforming bureaucracy through the use of humor and political satire, he published his first book, When in Doubt, Mumble, in 1972. That volume, a tongue-in-cheek handbook for the career bureaucrat, spawned probably his best-known quote: “When in doubt, mumble; when in trouble, delegate; when in charge, ponder.”
Recognizing that “red tape is mightier than the sword,” Boren devoted his later years to doing battle with the bureaucrats who used buzzwords, banality, and inaction to slow the progress of anything that might require work on their part. “Bureaucracy is the epoxy that greases the wheels of progress,” wrote Boren as he set his sights on the West Wing during his unsuccessful 1992 election run as the official (if not completely serious) candidate for the Apathy Party of America. “I have what it takes to take what you’ve got.”
The Boren Strategy for Crisis Situations
As someone who spent decades working in the halls of government, he recognized the mentality of career bureaucrats better than most. When the going gets tough, the bureaucrat goes to ground. When a situation called for strong leadership, they are the first to jump ship. When the crap hits the fan, they seem to disappear altogether.
“To be a successful bureaucrat,” wrote Boren in his 1982 book, Fuzzify, “the aspiring civil servant should mumble, fuzzify, and be galvanized into dynamic inaction, taking time only to ponder, delegate, and yesbut.” A keen observer of the career bureaucrat, Boren’s Strategy for Crisis Situations defined dynamic inaction during times of duress:
- Residuate! Keep a low profile and don’t move.
- Fuzzify, profundity, and squattle (sit it out)!
- Intervoid! Practice interface avoidance; avoid confrontation.
- Postpone all decisions!
- Write nothing; say nothing! If you are forced to write, scribble; if you are forced to say something, mumble. A scribble can never be pinned down and a mumble can never be quoted.
- Meet deadlines! Meeting deadlines avoids attention.
- At staff meetings, be prompt, quiet, and subservient!
- Bear no ill tidings! Bearing ill tidings places you in the bullseye, and the bullseye is a pulsating red [target].
- Stay in the middle of crowds, philosophy, policy.
- Wear clothing that matches the wallpaper.
Sadly, when Boren died in 2010, the very bureaucracy he’d fought so hard to reform for so many years remained largely unaffected by his efforts. That wouldn’t have surprised him. He understood all too well something Gerald Ford had said years before: “One of the enduring truths of the nation’s capital is that bureaucrats survive.”
