For some CIA operatives, a marriage full of secrets might explode into a saga of intrigue and counter-intrigue as dramatized in the 2005 Blockbuster Mr. and Mrs. Smith.
But while few will find themselves dodging bullets from an estranged, but devastatingly attractive spouse, many do face the questions that haunt the characters at the beginning of the film: what exactly does my spouse do at work and how can I trust him/her?
When Gen. Michael V. Hayden became director of the CIA he and his wife Jeanine grew concerned by the stories of strained relationships and divorces within the agency’s clandestine unit. But while the Pentagon tracks statistics on its employees’ divorce rates, the CIA does not. It therefore remains difficult to identify the toll that secrecy and travel has taken on operatives’ on the most intimate relationships.
In a Washington Post feature titled “CIA divorces: The secrecy when spies split”, Ian Shapira exposes the strains imposed by a CIA lifestyle and illustrates how marriages have either cracked under the pressure or adapted to the unique stresses of the job.
In a Post live-chat the next day, Shapira joined two former CIA operatives—Robert and Dayna Baer—to answer specific questions about how CIA couples might strengthen their relationships and avoid unnecessary alienation or divorce.
While not quite the antagonistic assassins dramatized in Mr. and Mrs. Smith, both Mr. and Mrs. Baer had lived through stressful CIA careers that compromised their marriages. In their 2011 memoir, The Company We Keep, the Baers tell their story of secrecy, relational compromise, and an ongoing effort to regain a normal way of life.
In their online chat, the Baers and Shapira offer a few bits of advice for couples who add the strain of an intelligence career to the existing challenges of marriage:
If pursuing marital counseling, look for a marriage counselor who is familiar with the pressures of life in the CIA.
When possible, travel with your spouse to avoid long periods of separation.
Foster trust by communicating parts of the life that do not need to be kept a secret.
As an operatives or spouse, ask for assistance through the CIA’s Family Advisory Board or Employee Assistance Program.
If you’re an intelligence community professional, have you found your career to be serious strain? Are the challenges surmountable, or are there ways to cope?
Jessica Prol is a freelance writer, residing in Washington, DC. She also serves as the Managing Editor for Policy Publications and Policy Events Coordinator at the Family Research Council (FRC) . Ms. Prol has served three Members of Congress and coordinated marketing efforts for a variety of other local think-tanks and nonprofits.
