As a military spouse, there are times that I feel completely helpless. There’s nothing I can do about promotions, moving to a new location or deployments. And from what I understand, many spouses feel the same way as their service member transitions out of the military. Whether it’s a transition because of retirement or one that occurs after a few years of service, it’s a stressful time for both parties. But while spouses are generally along for the ride, it doesn’t have to be that way when it comes to transitioning. Here are some ways to support your service member as they hang up their uniform for the last time.
Have the Hard Talk
After following military orders for years, it can be difficult to make your own decisions about where to live and work. This is where having the “hard talk” comes into play. Sit down with your service member and decide who is going to be the primary breadwinner. Is it going to be them as they transition into a new civilian role or is it your turn to follow your career ambitions? Or maybe you’re in a situation where you both plan to work full-time. Either way, once you’ve made that decision it becomes easier to nail down a location. Look for a location that’s hiring in your field(s) and focus your time and efforts on finding employment in that area. And for those of you who plan to head back to your hometown, make sure you’ve checked the job market before you show up with all of your belongings. Employment opportunities and hometown locations don’t always align in your best interest.
Look for Employment
It’s all hands on deck when it comes to finding new employment opportunities for you and/or your service member. This is one area that spouses typically shine, thanks to looking for employment in various states throughout the years. Take this opportunity to show your service member the ropes, including the basics like building a resume and creating a social media presence. Use your networking contacts to look for openings and consider reaching out to places like the local veterans group in the area you’d like to live. Helping with the job search will relieve your service member of some stress while making you feel more in control of the situation. It’s a win-win.
Do the Extra Recon Work
In addition to finding employment in a new location, you’ll also want to do some research on other aspects of the area. How much are state taxes and would your military benefits be taxed as well? Is there an installation nearby so you can continue to use on-post facilities? What do the school systems look like in the area? How much are property taxes? What’s the cost of living and will it still be considered affordable with your new employment? Are there veteran support groups in the area? Is there public transportation? Doing the extra research can make a difference in your final decision about where to work and live. Take one more thing off your service member’s plate by volunteering to do the recon work.
Be Patient
It’s important that as your service members transitions, you take a step back and try to be patient. This is easier said than done. Stress levels are sky-high and there’s a lot of anxiety for both of you. However, transitioning is a process and it takes time. Finding a new job is frustrating, moving is a pain and you’ll probably feel ill-equipped to make some important decisions. What you’re feeling is absolutely normal. But instead of taking it out on your service member, try to remember it’s the process you’re frustrated with, not them.
“We had lots of stress in the house when I retired from active duty and the future was, for the first time in 20 years, uncertain,” said Phillip Tegtmeier, a former service member. “As the traditional breadwinner in the family, I placed tremendous pressure on myself. Impatience on both of our parts was the kindling that led to many a heated discussion.”
So skip the fights and try to have productive discussions. Be patient with your service member and be patient with yourself.
Be Flexible
No matter how much time and effort you put into planning, things won’t always happen the way you envisioned it.
“As a spouse, I can tell you it was an extremely scary and stressful time filled with uncertainty – especially with four kids,” said Brandy Gill, a former Army spouse. “Make a plan and have a plan B and plan C ready because things don’t always work out the way you think they will.”
For example, your plan may be for the service member to go straight to work as a civilian employee. However, it’s rare that someone hangs up their uniform on a Friday and goes to work at a new job the following Monday. Plan B might mean living with relatives until you find employment. Plan C might mean one or both of you go back to school. Plan D might mean you, the spouse, works temporarily until the service member can find work. Having several plans in place will help you both feel more in control of your future.
Overall, being a military spouse in the transition process isn’t easy. It requires a lot of patience and understanding as well as the ability to subtly drive the train (especially if it’s toward employment). Being proactive on your end will create a smoother transition and help relieve some of the stress you’re both feeling. And as former Army spouse Helen Adams said, it’s really about going the distance as a couple.
“Work as a team. Group synergy is better than solo mentality. Allow time for change to embed; it can be a scary yet exciting journey.”
