TELL EVERYONE//REL CJ
MEMORANDUM FOR THE DIRECTOR, SECRET SQUIRREL PROGRAM
From: David W. Brown
Subject: (TE) Classification Policy Revisions
(TE) As part of the SECRET SQUIRREL program, a working group of security compliance officers across the IC and DOD have conducted an audit of classification procedures and policies and identified areas of alarm, suggesting remedial actions to better protect sensitive government information. In brief, you people can’t seem to keep your mouths shut about anything, and we can’t get the guys in J6 to solder the damn USB ports on anyone’s computers. Worse yet, the admins can’t tell which of you are copying bootleg movies and which are downloading the identities of covert operatives. Thank God nobody has leaked where we’re hiding Mullah Omar. The SECRET SQUIRREL working group recommendations are subject to final approval by SECRET SQUIRREL director, but should be studied in the event they are put into action.
(S) 1. Suggested Marking Additions for Controlled Unclassified Information: There are more files on the Internet marked “For Official Use Only” than there are on JWICS. We must do better! In consult with the working group, we discovered mitigating factors that lead to FOUO leaks. Because most of the country now works for a defense contractor or the federal government, “I do sensitive work for the government” is no longer sufficient to prevent you from going home from the bar alone. People need some kind of proof that they’re important. FOUO is fine for proving one’s bona fides with potential mates without getting into Snowden territory. But how far is too far? Propose two new handling instructions for controlled unclassified information:
(S) a. “Busted if You Facebook” (BIUF): Provides guidance for persons tempted to post that one interesting slide to their profiles that lets people know that you know Really Important Things. Downgrades FOUO, whose surreptitiously photographed PowerPoint slides may continue to be tweeted and Instagrammed.
(S) b. “Cleared For Promising Romances” (CFPR): Photograph of said information is strictly prohibited, but it is considered acceptable use to spend the first half of a promising first date teasing, “I can’t believe the thing they told us about today,” but playing coy. In the event that the date begins to go south, it is then permissible to demonstrate trust by saying, “OK, if I tell you this you can’t tell anyone,” and then tell said date whatever it is you read on the slide. It is acceptable to embellish said revelation. If it really mattered, it would have been given a proper classification, after all.
(U; but probably doesn’t matter) 2. Unlocked Compartmentalization: Recent events in the presidential election reveal that senior citizens in the State Department have no idea how cyber espionage works, nor how servers installed in a bathroom cabinet next to the bottle of Toilet Duck are less secure than those installed by the Defense Information Systems Agency and defended by CYBERCOM and the Department of Homeland Security. Therefore, all highly classified material filtered through the State Department should be given the caveat DOWHAT (e.g. TOP SECRET//SI-UMBRA//DOWHAT). DOWHAT is the abbreviation of “Do Whatever You Want With This Document Because You’re Going To Get Away With It Anyway And This Caveat Saves All Of Us A Lot Of Time.”
(TS) 3. Classification Authority: Thousands of people already have original classification authority, and millions more have derivative authority. When it comes time for the Information Security Oversight Office to consider releasing some of these documents, do you think they’ll know whether Tom Smith or Maj. Lew Sanders has original classification authority? Better to just to save time and give everyone OCA. In doing so, we can more efficiently protect midlevel officers and NCOs from answering for the legally-questionable though entirely necessary decisions that keep the national security state well-greased. Let them order the six cases of Suunto watches for every supply clerk in SOCOM, and just classify the damn order (and the hand receipts! DO NOT FORGET HAND RECEIPTS).
(TE) 4. Secret Classification: Not SECRET classification, but classification done secretly. The next Snowden or Manning could strike at any moment, and the virtue of these people is that they attempt to “blow the whistle” on literally every document and program in the intelligence community. Therefore, when journalists and those weirdos with the V for Vendetta masks have to search through 100,000 documents, they’re forced to do searches for things like “TS” or “TOP SECRET.” As a result, classifying TOP SECRET material as TOP SECRET is folly. We propose a new sensitivity marking called TELL EVERYONE (TE). Nobody will bother reading something marked TELL EVERYONE. Torture files? TE. Taps on Angela Merkel’s personal cell phone? TE. These secrets are likely to remain unknown even after their classification expires. Watchdog groups would never think to request files whose header asks readers to TELL EVERYONE.
Classified by: OCA Prettymuchanyone Whosgonnacheck
Reason: 38(k)
Downgrade to: TOP SECRET on 04012036
Declassify on: 04013136
TELL EVERYONE//REL CJ
