Many veterans are happy to provide mentorship to those who are behind them in their career path. But oftentimes, what people are taught as mentorship is not actually mentorship. Instead of truly mentoring, people often just give advice. This can leave the person seeking help feeling frustrated and unsupported.
This recently happened to me when I met with someone for guidance on the next step in my career. I want to share some thoughts for those hoping to be better mentors—through the lens of a mentee who felt unseen in a conversation that focused more on the mentor than the person asking for help.
HOW TO BE A GOOD MENTOR
Being a coach or mentor is part art and part skill—and it takes time to do well. Having knowledge about how you became successful isn’t enough to make you a good mentor. Instead, mentoring requires listening and knowing when to push the person you’re working with.
To set the stage, here’s what I did as a mentee before our meeting:
- I spent time researching the person and the work they had done.
- I reviewed my own career path and clarified my growth goals.
- I created a list of thoughtful questions to bring into the conversation.
I felt ready and excited—but the conversation didn’t go how I had hoped. As I listened and kept listening to her talk, I thought of all the ways she could have helped me if she had just paused and listened.
1. Listen
Step one: you must listen to the person you’re trying to help. They should be at the center of the conversation. Your advice is valuable—but it should support their goals, not take over the discussion.
My biggest frustration was being told to do basic things I had already completed. But she never stopped to ask, “Have you already done this?” or “Where are you in the process?” I came prepared with specific questions and data, but I never got the chance to share what I needed.
2. Ask Questions
Instead of immediately filling silence with your story, try asking questions—especially when you catch yourself defaulting to advice. Before assuming a step hasn’t been taken, check in. “Have you already done X?” goes a long way.
This turns the focus back to the person you’re mentoring and gives you a better understanding of where they really are in their journey.
3. Leave Space for Silence
Often, I already know what I need to do next—I just need encouragement to take the leap. Giving someone time to reflect during a conversation helps them decide what they need from you next.
Don’t fear silence. Let people speak with their body language or facial expressions. You might learn more from what they’re not saying than what they are.
IT’S NOT ABOUT YOU
Helping others is in the DNA of veterans and service members. That’s why so many offer to mentor others. But mentorship is not about telling your story. It’s about listening to someone else’s, asking the right questions, and guiding them toward their own solutions.
A good mentor doesn’t lead the way—they walk beside you while you figure out your path.
