How Edward Snowden Ruined My Life

The movie Snowden is out, and the Hollywood reviews are mixed. Clearance holders, on the other hand, are in agreement – Edward Snowden changed the average workday of an SCI holder for the worse. In response to our review of the movie, one systems admin rebutted by counting the ways Snowden ruined his work day.

1. Password complexity

Do I really need a 20 character password with at least 3 numbers, 3 uppercase, 3 special characters, and an extra 7 seconds of remembering them all every time I have to resume my session = 7 seconds * sum(‘restroom break’,’go to lunch’,’make a call’) = productivity lost

2. Password age

It’s that time again – increase that one character in your password for security’s sake!

Ilikeadothechacha012

Ilikeadothechacha013

Ilikeadothechacha014

Ilikeadothechacha015

Ilikeadothechacha016

Ilikeadothechacha017

3. Excessive badging

Does each federal agency really need their own badge? If I’m working on a contract but don’t physically visit the site for 28 days, do I really have to go through the badging process again??? Oh, wait, yes, yes I do.

4. Excessive authentication mechanisms

Insert card

Username:

Password:

Token Passcode:

–wait 10 seconds–

PIN:

Official And Super Important Government ID Number You Must Remember For Ever Or Else:

What was your first girlfriend’s dog’s hair color before the accident?

5. Security Clearance Re-investigations take longer

Submit your paperwork and then submit to six months of uncertainty followed up by a random phone call from a very serious government agent about where you spent the summer of 2005? Go slow – she’s writing this down with pen and paper.

6. Screen grabbing technology

I can see your screen. I saw when you clicked on that news story. Why are you reading the news at work? Wait what? You’re looking for another job at work? How could you do this? Are we not friends any more?

7. Key logging

I was reviewing your key logs and I must say that I’m impressed with how often you use the space bar. You use the space bar more than any other analyst in our organization. I keep wondering why you are using this key more than any other – so much that I think I’m going to write a 200 page report on it and ask you to read it.

8. Companies want employees to use their own device with the corporate Mobile device Management

Look – this is going to sound weird but I don’t want to get my work email on my phone bad enough for my boss to be able to view every gesture I make on my phone in real time. And thanks to Snowden, more employers are asking employees to install corporate mobile management onto their personal phones. And you know what that means? Your off-line phone activities are now fully available to your 9-5 employer.

9. More paperwork than you can possibly imagine

Hey did you submit that request to begin a preliminary investigation into maybe getting some work done by next Thursday? Oh, the paperwork isn’t done?