True. A 24 year Army Veteran, I used to be professionally paralyzed by fear. There was no existential reason for it. I just naturally anticipated the worst, found myself perpetually awaiting disaster, catastrophe right around the corner, the moment someone finally pulled the curtain back to see what an utter failure I really was, how far above my capabilities I’d sneaked up the ladder. It was a lonely feeling.
YOU’RE NOT ALONE
When I once shared my experience with a colleague whom I imagined to be an expert and powerfully self-confident, he didn’t report me to authorities. He said, “Yeah, I know! I feel exactly the same way.” One thing I didn’t get until very late in my first career was that many of us experience of self-doubt—some more than others. Indeed, according to Navy SEAL Sean Haggerty, “Everyone questions whether they can actually accomplish something difficult while they’re doing it. That’s normal.” Everyone? Well, perhaps not everyone, but if someone like a Navy SEAL experiences doubt, then I suspect Haggerty is close to right.
THE BENEFIT, PERHAPS
One thing is for sure. My fear of failure was exceeded only by my drive for self-preservation. So in whatever I did, I would go to whatever unreasonable extent necessary to succeed rather than fail. If I had to stay up one, two, even three days straight to complete a project, then that’s exactly what I’d do, and I did that on more than one occasion. While I understood my unhealthy motivation, folks I worked with only saw a perfectionist. In a way, then, my fear of failure drove success in what I did. And that not only kept me professionally alive, but also let me professionally thrive. But in reality, it wasn’t thriving at all, it was self-imposed suffering. And with any recognition for success came a stronger fear of failure, of being found out, because I’d just raised people’s expectations, knowing I’d inevitably fail them miserably. It wasn’t pleasant at all.
THE COST
Rather than seek out greater and greater responsibilities, more challenging fields, or even pursuing one thing or another that I knew could be exactly right for me, I was content to stay where I was most comfortable, where I knew I was succeeding and knew how to overcome challenges. While I’ve since learned to embrace and enjoy change, back then, change of station or new assignments with new organizations meant facing unknowns among a bunch of strangers. It was never, ever as bad as I expected. In retrospect, it was most always a great experience. But even experiential evidence was weak compared to the power of fear and self-doubt.
A SUCCESS TRICK
“You have to keep going no matter how hard it gets,” Haggerty says. “That’s what successful people do. They may have doubts, but they keep going.” Again, I think Haggerty’s generally right on the mark (but it’s important to understand that when he says “no matter how hard it gets,” the it of which he speaks isn’t mental anguish or suffering, but the task itself). For my old colleague, it was just a matter of embracing the doubt, recognizing it, acknowledging it, even embracing it. Then, he just kept going.
I doubt he experienced the kind of misery I imposed on myself. But he was advancing from a starkly different perspective. I think he understood what I didn’t. As Haggerty explains, “It really is OK to doubt yourself . . . but it is never OK to sell yourself short. Doubting doesn’t mean you can’t do it or won’t do it—doubting yourself is just a sign you need to figure out a way to keep going.” Doubting has nothing to do with imminent failure. It’s just the way things are.
EXPAND YOURSELF
Fortunately, with some help from some really smart people after long searches, I was able to claw my way out of the debilitating-fear-of-failure phase of my life. Haggerty notes, “Expanding self-imposed boundaries is a lifelong process.” Indeed, it is. I started recognizing which of my limits were truly self-imposed, and there were many, and they were ingrained deeply. But little by little, I developed a healthier, realistic perspective about myself and my colleagues and how we all fit together.
Ultimately, it is about ourselves. And that’s no simple matter. “No matter what you’re trying to do,” explains Haggerty, “motivation has to come from inside you. You have to look inside yourself.”
