Last week, an email landed in my inbox that began with four common, yet annoying, words: “Just a gentle reminder…”
The email itself was a reminder of an upcoming deadline, still two weeks away. That alone made me grind my teeth a bit. This wasn’t time sensitive, and no one needs to be reminded of a deadline that far out.
But what also set me off was that I had completed the task referenced in the email weeks before. In fact, I was probably the first person on the address list to submit a complete response. I simply don’t like lingering tasks and prefer to knock them out as they hit the inbox.
So, I picked up the phone and called the person who sent the email. “I’m confused. I sent that in two months ago… did you not get it?” I asked.
“Oh, no. I saw your reply come in,” she replied. “I just sent that to everyone. Sorry.”
That’s three strikes in my book. Don’t send me a passive-aggressive email knowing that it doesn’t apply to me. Better yet, don’t send one at all.
Oh, no you Didn’t
The first thought that usually crosses my mind when I receive a passive-aggressive email is why? As in, “Why would you think it was okay to hit ‘Send’ on this email?” Later thoughts are usually less calm, rational, and forgiving.
However, Hanlon’s Razor applies: never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity.
Most people channel passive-aggressiveness in email because they are uncomfortable with direct conflict. Email phrasing becomes a defense mechanism, a way to express their frustration or exert some degree of control without taking the emotional risk of a direct confrontation. Others just message that way because they lack self-awareness. Individual reasoning tends to play out in five key ways:
1. Fear of direct conflict.
This is the most common reason, simply because many people find open disagreement – “calling someone out” – to be utterly terrifying. Passive-aggressiveness allows them to vent their frustrations behind a very thin veil of professional politeness.
2. The power dynamics trap.
In a professional setting, it often feels risky to remind your boss or a senior colleague that they missed a deadline. So, phrases lie, “Just a gentle reminder,” serve as socially acceptable ways to exert some pressure without seeming too aggressive.
3. Lack of emotional or social intelligence.
Then there are some people who just don’t realize how they come across in email. They might even think that they are being especially efficient, failing to understand that their phrasing carries a strong undertone of condescension.
4. Avoiding accountability.
By being vague or using language like, “I might be mistaken, but…” a sender believes that they give themselves a way out. It’s a way for them to point the finger at someone else without putting their own reputation on the line.
5. Efficiency over empathy.
In a fast-paced environment, people often prioritize speed over clarity. It’s a lot faster to write “Per my last email,” than it is to pick up the phone for a short conversation.
For the most part, people send passive-aggressive emails for the same reason they mutter under their breath instead of saying something out loud. It feels safer than being direct but still lets them express their anger or frustration. It’s a psychological defense mechanism wrapped in office etiquette and topped off with false politeness.
You’ve Got Mail
Ideally, the best way to manage a passive-aggressive sender is to disarm them with a literal response, ignoring the embedded snark and forcing the discourse back into a productive, professional space. If they prompt you with, “Correct me if I’m wrong,” gently set the record straight in a calm tone with supporting data.
But that’s not my way. If someone chooses to take a passive-aggressive tone with me, I feel compelled to return the favor. While that might be immature of me, I also believe that behavior doesn’t change unless it’s confronted. While a neutral response will defuse a tense email conversation, I find there are much better ways to clap back.
1. “Per my last email.”
This is shorthand for, “Go back and re-read the whole email and stop asking stupid questions.” My favorite response? “A classic opener. Bold. Confident. Slightly threatening.”
2. “Hope this helps.”
This is a very specific email phrase that conveys two messages: “This is all you’re getting from me.” No problem. “It helps in ways we are only beginning to understand.”
3. “Thanks in advance.”
This is a polite way of saying, “I’m thanking you now, so you feel compelled to do whatever it is I’m asking.” I find, “I admire your confidence in my future compliance” to work well in this situation.
4. “Moving forward.”
Translation: “We’re moving on. Stop wasting my time and let it go already.” My go-to here: “Excellent! Let us stride boldly in my favorite direction.”
5. “Just checking in.”
What it means: “I’m going to keep sending you emails on this subject until you answer. I can do this all day.” How you reply: “Still here, still caffeinated, still processing.”
6. “Not sure this was meant for me.”
This is the typical response you receive when you inadvertently hit the Reply All This one’s on you, but for a little fun, try this: “Correct. But fate has chosen you.”
7. “Sorry for being unclear.”
You don’t want to be on the receiving end of this one. “I’m not sorry. You’re stupid. Any five-year-old could understand this.” Take this in stride: “No worries. Ambiguity builds character.”
8. “As stated below.”
Email phraseology doesn’t get much more direct than this. “Read the entire email.” Tread carefully here: “Thank you for guiding me to the ancient texts. Many things are stated there.”
9. “I see your point.”
Don’t fall for this classic email trap. Its meaning is simple: “I couldn’t care less what you think.” Sidestep this one with, “Excellent. I have many more points available upon request.”
10. “Kind regards.”
No one but your grandma would use this phrase. It’s a warm blanket draped over a cold message. However you choose to respond, I recommend opening with, “Regards received. Processing kindness levels now.”
Recently, I’ve been struggling with people who are not always responsive. Part of that is my own fault – I maintain some expectations of reasonable responsiveness from my time in uniform. Then I found a way to get a response between minutes. I just add “Your Name is in the Epstein Files” to the subject line. Works every time.
