Blame the global pandemic if you want, but we are all a little out for ourselves in life. However, dealing with passive aggressive coworkers has always been a problem. Whether it’s an email or in-person communications, some coworkers tend to have a tone and word choice that fits the passive aggressive definition perfectly. But most of the time, coworkers can simply border on being passive aggressive to others at the office without hitting every characteristic on the list. And when communications seem a bit too Office Space style, it can start to grate on your nerves.
Ways to Spot Passive Aggressive Communication in the Workplace
It’s always disconcerting to me when I have a conversation with someone, and it’s clear that they have negative thoughts and feelings. However, they’re not openly saying what they think. But the whole time, the feeling stays with me that something is off. The hard part is figuring out if the negative feelings are directed to you, the company, or just life in general. I had someone who always seemed confused at my part time schedule years ago. He made comments like, “Oh I wasn’t sure if you’d be in today.” Mind you, I had set days and times, but my schedule looked different than everyone else, and I was the only employee at an over 100-person company with a flexible and remote schedule. His comments (along with other passive aggressive lines) always conveyed a veiled negativity towards me and my role.
Sometimes it was a facial response to something I said, and other times, it was a passing comment that rocked me back a little on my heels in the moment. This style of communication is especially off-putting in leadership. Without direct and clear communication, subordinates are always left wondering what their boss really thinks about them. While I didn’t directly report to this person, they had a leadership role on my project. So, I always had to fight frustration and feeling unsure in my position.
However, if your coworker is openly giving you the silent treatment like a fifth grader, that’s not passive aggressive. It’s just aggressive. But maybe they act like they didn’t hear you. And sometimes, deadlines are missed or requirements aren’t documented. If you notice a regular pattern from one coworker, it may be that they have some negative feelings about something in their personal or professional life. Regardless of their reasons, it is challenging to get things done.
And don’t forget messaging platforms and email. Telling someone “thanks in advance” or “I’m going to let you take care of that” doesn’t actually create a polite environment. Of course, there’s also the “per my last email” or “Bumping this to the top of your inbox” that usually conveys when someone is displeased with my actions or lack of response.
How to Deal with a Passive Aggressive Coworker
It goes without saying that if one of your coworkers is engaging in chronic passive aggressive communication that is creating a toxic work environment, definitely work with your human resources team to find a path forward. Otherwise, there are ways to deal with the passive aggressive people in your life.
1. Don’t give into the frustration.
It’s normal to feel frustrated at comments from coworkers – or even leadership. But try to give the benefit of the doubt to see the best in someone else’s communication. It’s important to not let it get to you because it will then impact your own productivity and how you are perceived at work. Do you want to be known as a gossip or a complainer? (Hint: the answer is no.) So, brush off the comments and interpret them in the best possible light – for as long as possible.
2. Call them out.
No need to throw down a challenge. But you can ask direct questions that can help you get a clearer picture of the source of the negativity. For instance, had I asked my former coworker directly if he had an issue with my part time schedule because of his multiple references, it would have put his opinion out in the open or given him a chance to say something else was an issue. Hindsight is somewhat 20/20, right? At the time, I had a hard time putting my finger on why the comments rubbed me the wrong way. But don’t be afraid to be direct. Worst case scenario? They actually have a problem with you, but at least it’s out in the open and not in veiled comments.
3. Find a trusted source to discuss the issue.
While it’s not okay to be the office whiner, it is okay to find someone who you can confide in so you can make sure you have a clear picture of the situation. If your boss is the one who is a bit on the passive aggressive side, you will want to find someone in leadership outside your direct line to help out. That may mean discussing with HR to get feedback on tips or it may mean finding a mentor within the organization. It’s also helpful to have a trusted friend inside or outside of your work to vent about frustrating conversations as they pop up. You may find that they give some guidance on when it’s time to start actively reporting. But you can’t deal with a challenging coworker alone. Definitely find a trusted resource to help you manage the emotions.
When in Doubt, Start Job Searching
And if the situation looks like it’s not going to change any time soon, get to job searching. Life is too short to dislike your work environment long term. You have options. So, as soon as you can give your resume a refresh, get it updated and posted. Having job offers rolling in will definitely give you confidence in how you respond to the passive aggressive coworker.
