Back in 2016 we launched our ‘Vote Secret Squirrel’ marketing campaign. It was a tongue in cheek way to play up the quality attributes of everyone’s favorite unofficial mascot and make light of an election season that can get a bit…painful. No, there aren’t ads in the WMATA this election cycle (not that you’d see them anyway with ridership down 86%), but Secret Squirrel is back to remind you that when it comes to leadership – nobody does it better than a Secret Squirrel.
1. He knows how to keep a secret.
I mean, he’s a Secret Squirrel, after all. Forget all those sloppy White House leaks that trickle out during every administration – a Secret Squirrel means business.
2. sHe can lead a scurry.
Okay, the reality is that most squirrels are terribly antisocial. BUT, when they do congregate, they form these great coalitions called scurries – how can you not love a candidate who’s coalition is referred to as a scurry?
3. His Campaign Promises Are Always Redacted.
The worst part of every election cycle is keeping track of all of those broken campaign promises. Secret Squirrel knows – you can’t break a campaign promise you never made. That’s why all of his campaign slogans just include encouraging catch phrases followed by huge, black boxes. When someone asks him what he plans to do about tax reform or immigration, he just says ‘it’s classified’ and no one dares to follow-up.
4. She doesn’t allow moles.
Forget the deep state – Secret Squirrel has no room for moles of any type in her administration. Forget COVID-19 temperature checks – Secret Squirrel does full polygraphs before allowing anyone to step into the White House. When you’re Secret Squirrel, you don’t take chances.
5. Suburban Moms Love Him.
Suburban moms love Secret Squirrel so much they invite him over to their house. They buy t-shirts, Target mugs and brick-a-brack with his face on them. They save him the best nuts. You couldn’t vote for a candidate you wouldn’t want to have over for dinner. And everyone wants to share their pizza with Secret Squirrel.
6. Who Run the World…SQUIRRELS.
What else needs to be said? Go NUTS: Vote Secret Squirrel!
